i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.