Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
