Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
