You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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