hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I will pee on everything he values.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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