Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
