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i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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