Going to get a "plan B"urrito
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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