As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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