Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
