If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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