evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
