I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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