Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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