We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
