This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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