Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
i think i just lost a toe
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
