i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
