Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
