my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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