I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We need to get me chipped asap
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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