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• (512): View more from Texas

  just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  pretty standard. you have fun last night?

  (512): View more from Texas

  apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

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• (954): View more from Florida

  you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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• (225): View more from Louisiana

  things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.

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• (620): View more from Kansas

  My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.

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  27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know

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• (309): View more from Illinois

  "Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.

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• (256): View more from Alabama

  He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me

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• (347): View more from New York

  A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.

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• (530): View more from California

  We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.

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  These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever

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• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.

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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.

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• (951): View more from California

  Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"

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• (501): View more from Arkansas

  Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening

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