I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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