Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
