what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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