I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
