I just cut my nipple shaving
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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