so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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