We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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