Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
