Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
