toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i now understand why vodka
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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