saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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