So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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