I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
