A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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