She just used a chaser for red wine.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
