True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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