shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
