My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
