I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Pooping to opera.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
