mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
True strength comes from lack of pants
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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