Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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