My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
