Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
