we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
