I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
