oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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