she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I met the friendliest cop last night
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I could fuck to npr.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
