Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
