Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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