My first STD was from a foam party
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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