I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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