in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i think my cat just said my name.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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